Ends

Today I would like to share with you a few nuggets of didactic toilet humor. All of them concern themselves with the similarities and differences between the two ends of the human alimentary canal. If this brand of humor offends you, I advise you to stop reading now.

The first two quotes are found in several collections published in the 20th century: Udbhata Shloka Maalaa, Subhashita Ratna Bhandagara (Chapter entitled दुर्जननिन्दा, "censure of the evil person", Verses 34 and 35), and Subhashita Ratnakara (दुर्जननिन्दा Verses 17 and 21). Purnachandra De, the compiler of the first anthology, presents them as verses 1 and 3 of durjanAStaka (दुर्जनाष्टक), "eight verses dedicated to the evil person", which he attributes to the poetess Nibidanitamba (निबिडनितम्बा), "the woman with firm buttocks"; I have no information on her but, for obvious reasons, I am guessing this was just her pen-name :). 

(1) Devanagari text:

दुर्जनं प्रथमं वन्दे सज्जनं तदनन्तरम्|
मुखप्रक्षालनात्पूर्वं गुदप्रक्षालनं यथा||

– निबिडनितम्बा

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

durjanaM prathamaM vande sajjanaM tadanantaram|

mukhaprakSAlanAtpUrvaM gudaprakSAlanaM yathA||

– nibiDanitambA

Loose translation: I will glorify the scoundrel first and then the good person, just as it is customary to wash the anus before washing the face / rinsing the mouth. 

Notes: This is obviously a parody of the mangalAcaraNa (मङ्गलाचरण), "prefatory benediction", class of verses. I am unaware of any scriptural injunction or tradition regarding the order in which the two ends are to be washed, as hinted at by the author.

(2) Devanagari text:

दुर्जनः सुजनो न स्यादुपायानां शतैरपि|
अपानं मृत्सहस्रेण धौतं चास्यं कथं भवेत्||

– निबिडनितम्बा

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

durjanaH sujano na syAdupAyAnAM zatairapi|

apAnaM mRtsahasreNa dhautaM cAsyaM kathaM bhavet||

– nibiDanitambA

Loose translation: You can try hundreds of ways, but never will an evildoer turn into a good person – how will the anus, even after it is cleansed with a thousand lumps of earth, change into a mouth? 

Notes: Long before soap took over, rubbing various types of earth on the body during one's daily ablutions was an integral part of South Asian personal hygiene routines. View this page for elaborate instructions, according to Devi Bhagavata Purana, on how to use wet earth to cleanse the privates after taking care of bodily functions involving them.

The compiler of Subhashita Ratnakara gives the first half of the verse as दुर्जनं सुजनं कर्तुं नोपकारशतैरपि| (incomplete), and adds न कोऽपि शक्नोतीति शेषः in a footnote.

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The authors of the following stanzas would probably disagree with Nibidanitamba about the impossibility of the pie-hole becoming a pooper.

(3) Devanagari text:

परोपकारसंस्कारताम्बूलाधरचुम्बनैः|
यन्न संयुज्यते वक्त्रमधश्छिद्रेण तत्समम्||

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

paropakArasaMskAratAmbUlAdharacumbanaiH|

yanna saMyujyate vaktramadhazchhidreNa tatsamam||

– Anonymous 

Loose translation: The mouth that has had no association with philanthropy, refinement / modesty, betel quids, and lip-locks, is comparable to the nether orifice.

Source: 15th century Subhaashitaavali Verse 2316.

Notes: Putting philanthropy and kissing on the same list is rather interesting, I think.

(4) Devanagari text:

घझढधभणनविशेषो वक्तुर्वक्त्रान्न लभ्यते यस्य|
मुखगुदरन्ध्रविशेषो दन्तैरुपलभ्यते तस्य||

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

ghajhaDhadhabhaNanavizeSo vakturvaktrAnna labhyate yasya|

mukhagudarandhravizeSo dantairupalabhyate tasya||

– Anonymous

Loose translation: If a speaker's mouth cannot articulate the consonants gha (घ), jha (झ), Dha (ढ), and dha (ध) correctly, the only way to tell their oral cavity apart from their rectal opening is by the teeth. 

Source: Subhaashitaavali Verse 2398.

Notes: I am not sure if भणन as it appears here should be taken as one word that denotes "speaking" or as a set of the last three letters in the list घ-झ-ढ-ध-भ-ण-न (for some speakers, भ can be difficult to pronounce, and ण may become indistinguishable from न), or if this confusion was intentional on the author's part. In any case, asking someone to read or repeat the first quarter of this verse itself serves as a test to determine whether the second half applies to them :).

(5) Devanagari text:

प्रमुदितशषसविशेषा(?)येषां भाषा समुन्मिषति|
गुदवदनविवरभेदो दन्तैरनुमीयते परं तेषाम्||

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

pramudita(?)zaSasavizeSA yeSAM bhASA samunmiSati|

gudavadanavivarabhedo dantairanumIyate paraM teSAm||

– Anonymous

Loose translation: In people whose speech pours forth without distinguishing among the three sibilants श,ष, and स, the distinction between the mouth and the anus has to be inferred from the (presence or absence) of teeth.

Source: 14th century Subhaashita Sudhaanidhi, Verse 6 of hAsyapaddhati (हास्यपद्धति), "chapter on comedy".

Notes: I have copied the verse just as I found it in the above published anthology, but I am sure प्रमुदित, "highly delighted", is an error. My conjecture is that the original had अनुदित, "unspoken / unmanifest"; an alternative written form of the vowel अ in the Devanagari script looks somewhat like त्र्प्र​, and the character for न is literally one vertical half-stroke away from that of म, so a scribal error could have crept in at some point (assuming, of course, that the Devanagari script was ever used to write this verse; my knowledge of scripts is limited).

UPDATE: An error-free variant of Verse (5) reads:

अविदितशषसविशेषा वाणी निःसरति वक्त्रतो येषाम्|

गुदवदनविवरभेदो रदनैरनुमीयते तेषाम्||

(अविदित=unknown)

Many thanks to Suhas Mahesh for bringing this version to my attention; I also found it in Sanskrit Marathi Subhashita Kosha (संस्कृत-मराठी-सुभाषित-कोश), published in 1964, which records it as Verse 127 of Bhartrihari's collection of moral precepts Nitishataka (नीतिशतक). See this post on why this attribution is dubious.