Cupid's pole

I just realized that we have not had anything "naughty" on this blog for a while – this, I think, is an affront to those ancient Indic literary theorists who wrote at length about the emergence of hAsya (हास्य), "comedy", from zRGgAra (शृङ्गार), "eroticism". So, to make things right, here is a selection of totally off-color snippets of "poetry", styled as benedictions, glorifying that which is known by such names as smarastambha (स्मरस्तम्भ: "Cupid's pole"), kandarpamuSala (कन्दर्पमुषल: "Cupid's pestle / bludgeon"), and madanAGkuza / kAmAGkuza (मदनाङ्कुश / कामाङ्कुश: "Cupid's elephant-goad"). 

You might want to check these (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) out too, for somewhat wittier material in the same vein. 

(1) Devanagari text:

कन्दे स्थूलस्तदनु सरलः स्फारभूतोऽग्रदेशे
वारं वारं निपतति पुनर्वारवारं प्रचण्डः|
ईषद्वक्रः करिकरसमो मानिनीमानहन्ता
युष्मद्वक्त्रे प्रविशतु सदा स्वस्तिमान् मारदण्डः||

– शङ्खधर (?)

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

kande sthUlastadanu saralaH sphArabhUto(a)gradeze
vAraM vAraM nipatati punarvAravAraM pracaNDaH|
ISadvakraH karikarasamo mAninImAnahantA
yuSmadvaktre pravizatu sadA svastimAn mAradaNDaH||

– Shankhadhara (?)

Loose translation: Stout at the root, then straight (and slender), and swollen at the apex, it keeps drooping repeatedly, yet never fails to turn aggressive all over again. Slightly curved, like an elephant's trunk, it destroys the ego of (or, mollifies the chagrin of) proud women – May that felicitous scepter of Cupid keep entering your mouth(s) forever!

Source: This stanza is found in only one of the manuscripts of Shankhadhara Kaviraja's famous 12th century farce Latakamelaka (लटकमेलक) that the editors Mahamahopadhyaya Pandit Durga Prasad of Jaipur and Vasudev Sharma Panshikar of Bombay consulted for their 1923 critical edition; they report that this manuscript is a relatively recent copy of a mostly error-free version of the play written in year 1653 of the Vikram Era (1596-1597 CE); hence a later interpolation cannot be ruled out.

Notes: This is one of the "blessings" that Phunkata Mishra (फुङ्कटमिश्र; different forms of the name are found in different versions), a caricature of the wise and scholarly guru character type, utters on entering the stage in the second act of the play, addressing an assemblage of (mostly male) colorful characters at a brothel. I have not read any commentary on or translation of the verse under consideration, so I am not sure if my above interpretation is correct. But if it is, this stanza in the exquisite mAndAkrAntA (मन्दाक्रान्ता) meter, embellished with an end-rhyme, might just be the earliest reference in Indic literature to someone being told to go s*** * ****! Note that, although mAra (मार) is a synonym for kAma (काम), "erotic desire / god of erotic desire", and is the name given in Buddhism to "the personification of the forces antagonistic to enlightenment", its primary meaning is 'death', 'killing', or 'striking', so मारदण्ड could also be read as "deadly rod" or "striking rod". 

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(2) This one is inappropriate on so many levels; you will (hopefully) see why. 

Devanagari text:

बाला क्रन्दति घर्षणेन युवतिः सीत्कारमामुञ्चति
प्रौढा मुञ्चति पुत्रशोकमतुलं पीयूषदण्डाहता|
वृद्धागाधभगोदधिप्रमथने निर्मन्थमन्थाचलो
जीयादिन्द्रकरीन्द्रदन्तमुसलाकारो लकारस्तव||

Harvard-Kyoto transliteration:

bAlA krandati gharSaNena yuvatiH sItkAramAmuJcati
prauDhA muJcati putrazokamatulaM pIyUSadaNDAhatA|
vRddhAgAdhabhagodadhipramathane nirmanthamanthAcalo
jIyAdindrakarIndradantamusalAkAro lakArastava||

– Anonymous

Loose translation: Its grindings make a girl cry out and a young woman hiss softly; pounded by that ambrosial rod, a matronly lady lets go of the incomparable grief of losing a son; in churning the fathomless ocean that is a geriatric pudendum, it is (indistinguishable from) the gyrating Mandara (मन्दार) mountain – Glory to that 'L' of yours, which has the form of the pestle-like tusk of Indra's majestic elephant!

Source: Subhaashitaavali Verse 2401.

Notes: lakAra (लकार), "the letter L", is evidently a euphemistic shortening, along the lines of "the D", of liGga (लिङ्ग), a word for the phallus (although the primary meaning of लिङ्ग is "mark" or "sign"). The churning of the ocean is a reference to the famous episode of Samudra Manthana (समुद्रमन्थन) – described in great detail in several mythological works and depicted in temple art as far east as Cambodia – in which the gods and demons got together to churn the Ocean of Milk, using Mount Mandara as a pole, in order to retrieve certain treasures from its depths. 

A. N. D. Haksar's translation:

Its friction makes the girls cry out,

young women emit squeals of joy;

the more mature, this rod ambrosial,

makes their deepest griefs forget;

it churns the oceanic depths

of old vaginas, like Mandara;

long live this tusk of Indra's elephant,

this mighty club, this prick of yours.